Advent for the Brokenhearted, 1

God invites us to surrender and trust. Here is a candid conversation about precious things and spiritual exchanges to obtain more of God.

Just go ahead a put up the white flag. It is good for your soul.

As I stood under the shower's stream, I stared at the shower wall with a longing for more of God. Life the past few months has been challenging and draining. Several of my relationships were strained and my marriage was on life support. I wanted more of God, desperately wanted more of Him in the most selfish, self-centered, self-serving kind of way. The kind of way when consequences of dangerous things feel more like a cost than a deterrent. The kind of way you don't care what the answer is, just as long as you are satiated.

I asked God to increase my capacity for Him. It flew out of my mouth faster than my wits realized what was being done. I came about with a snap. What kind of dangerous prayer was that? Did I really want more stretching? More stressors and opportunities to look to Him to provide? More practice in dependence? Reason and logic retorted: "Wouldn't it be nice to have some easy stretch of time where my own resources and abilities to control circumstances were sufficient?" It sounds strange to say that, but if you and I are honest with ourselves, that is really the reason we don't chase harder after Him. We know there is a cost when we come to the spiritual checkout and the price is not displayed, it varies from person to person, and we fear the unknown and unfamiliar. At checkout, we have to determine if we really do want it or not. Do we really want Him?

I need it. I need Him. My spiritual debit card is whipped out, ready to be swiped, ready for the exchange. My cup isn't big enough for the pour. I need a bigger one. I need it now. I am completely unsatisfied with the amount I presently have.

Being the good Listener He is, He responded to my spirit that "the road ahead is one of suffering." I paused for a while. I just finished a road of suffering. It was challenging and I was eager for it to end. And I leaned HARD into Him during that time. More suffering? I wanted more of Him, not more pain. The shower, beating down on my back annoyed me.

I paused for a long time. I remembered how He stayed with me and gave me grace to overcome the prior seasons of difficulty in my life. His steadfastness. His longsuffering. I asked Him if He would give me the grace the walk the road. I wanted to know if He would be with me.

Scriptures came to mind as I waited in this imaginary, spiritual checkout. His promises were like ambient music drifting through the overhead speakers, acting like salve to my anxious mind:

John 14:18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

Hebrews 13:5 I will never leave you or forsake you.

Genesis 28:15 Behold I am with you and will keep you where ever you go, and will bring you back to this land, for I will not leave you until I have done what I have spoken to you.

In my spirit, as His solo thrust forward in the harmony of holy promises, He replied to me "Yes, every time."

Still unsure, I asked if my family would be okay. Really, what I wanted was for God to just keep my family out of this. Just deal with me. Don't dig around.

But He challenged me by asking if I trust Him.

I got offended. Of course I trust You! But in my heart I knew He was was pinpointing the very areas He wanted to dig around in. He was inviting me to invite Him to have His way and hold nothing back. A surrender of the entire bank account. (Which would be a major red flag in any relationship if it weren't for being, literally, the Benevolent King of the Universe.) More of Him means, literally, my hands are full of Him and I have less capacity for holding other things that threaten to unseat the King of my heart.

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I'm not advocating that family should be discarded or dismissed because "Jesus will take care of it all." Quite the opposite. We have a duty before God, to our spouses and our children to reflect the glory of God and transform our homes into manifest corners of Heaven. Neglect of these things produces terrible fruit and generates generational problems. What I am talking about is seeking the leadership of Jesus in everything, even the areas we don't want to because we think they are too sacred, too important, or too useful. Jesus taught about our attempts to desperately clutch things because we perceive them as important. Like your eyesight; you need your eyes to see. But what if it is causing you to sin? If there is something that derails your faith walk or hinders your surrender, why wouldn't God want to dig around so you can walk in the fullness of Him? The act of "tearing out eye, cutting off the hand" has to do with the heart attitude of actively removing things that hinder fellowship with God, no matter how important or needful we perceive it.

Matthew 5:27-30 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.

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After realizing the ludicrousness of my hesitancy, I have no choice but to admit I always have to trust Him. Rescinding trust is a figment of my imagination - He is always in control. The problem is my heart attitude of "I rescind trust in Him." This heart attitude places imaginary bets on me, which would be a loosing bet. Still, the question puts me on edge but brings about a helpless, dependent surrender. Yes, I trust You. Because at the end of the day, the dangerous prayer of "God, I want more of You" is equivalent to the destruction my flesh and the salvation to my soul. Giving Him the spiritual bank card and access to the account means I patiently endure whatever He sees as fit for purifying my heart. Furthermore, He brought me to the place where the costs don't matter any more. The place where I realize no cost is too high to experience more of the King.

Prayer: Father, forgive me for not trusting you. Help me to put myself in remembrance of all the faithfulness you have shown me and Your people. Give me the grace to surrender to You and give me Your hand to guide me so I can walk whatever path You call me toward. Do this with haste for me Father, and do not delay. Amen.